Monday, January 5, 2009

what I learned about roller derby from CSI

Last night, after a particularly grueling practice, B and I settled down to watch CSI Weekend while I iced my hips and knees. Now I realize that CSI is just a t.v. show, but this old episode of CSI:NY from 2005 about roller derby blew my mind.

From my perspective as a derby girl in a WFTDA certified league, these were the top 5 differences between my team and the "Manhattan Minx" in Jamalot.

1. We don't weigh in. A lot of us have actually gained weight (in muscle) since we started derby, not lost it (including yours truly). And nobody cares.
2. We don't have a locker room with showers where we strip naked and wash our hair together using free shampoo. Actually, we don't even have a bathroom in our practice space, let alone showers. We're lucky we have the honey bucket.
3. We don't have a team owner. Or a team trainer. We are a DIY organization.
4. We don't brawl. I've never even bashed anyone's face in with my roller skate.
5. In flat track, 70% of the girls "moves" from the show would be illegal. No punching, grabbing, clotheslining, or shoving the players of the opposing team is currently permitted.

So apparently, we've got some big changes to make. I hope we have enough money in our 09 budget for shampoo, a locker room, and some scales. A fundraiser might be in order. And tonight at practice I hope we practice slamming the opposing jammer in the face with our elbows and fists, that will be a useful strategy in our bout on January 24th. I also need to practice getting my skates off quickly during a riot so that I'm prepared to use them as a potentially deadly weapon. Do you think it would hurt more to get hit with a truck or a toe stop? Maybe we can post on ad on Craigslist to get a team owner.

During the CSI episode, I did get to see Domesticated Violence in an ad for KPDX. And she looked way hotter than CSI's fictional "She Hate Me"... I sure hope nobody gets bent out of shape about that and doses her with weight loss drugs that melt her internal organs to get revenge...

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